Top 10 Things I Learned on My Most Recent Road Trip

10. If anything can go wrong, it will.
Days before the planned trip, be sure to pay hommage to the car gods. If you forget this one important step, they will exact their revenge by breaking your chosen vehicle's transmission, draining you of four thousand of your hard-working dollars, and forcing you to use the old Bronco - you know, the one that you have to roll down the window and use the exterior door handle to open the door if you want to get yourself out of the car. The one that will leak radiator fluid, causing the engine to over-heat and the heater to break so that your poor dogs will have to curl up into a canine version of the yin and yang symbol, and you to pile your winter coats on top of your sleeping-in-her-car-seat baby. The one that will force you to make the 12 hour drive in one fail swoop, instead of stopping in New Orleans for a comfortable night's rest in the already-paid-for Intercontinental's kings-sized bed.

09. Don't trust forceps made in Pakistan.
Regardless of how adept you may feel in your surgical, foreign-object-removal skills, do not use the cheap Pakistani forceps to remove the jammed CD out of the Bronco's CD player. It will only cause problems.

08. Do something good.
Karma's a bitch. Or your best friend.
What seemed like things falling apart, ended in happily ever after. My sister very generously let us use her car for the second 12 hour stretch of our trip. Nobody claimed the $350 that we found in Aspen and left at the Police Department - they're mailing us a check!

07. Know your limits.
When you're 41, partying like you're 26 will only result in 1) self dissapointment and 2) regret.

06. The drive from San Antonio to Baton Rouge (vice versa) is a bitch.

05. Rent a book on tape.
It will make your trip go by so much faster.

04. A random truck stop's in-house restaurant is not the same as a hole-in-the-wall joint and/or greasy spoon.
Although it may look like a hole-in-the-wall and may serve greasy food, the food is not good enough for the place to be deemed a hole-in-the-wall joint or greasy spoon (as that would connotate that regardless of the looks/grease, the food was worth it). But it wasn't.

03.Don't order the chili burger at a random truck stop's in-house restaurant.

02. Especially if the waittress can't even make eye contact with you when she places the order in front of you.

01. Wear panties.
Unbeknownst by you, food poisoning can happen at any given moment, placing you in a very messy situation. Better to be wearing panties than without when caught with bodily fluids spewing from both ends, so-to-speak.

 

 

oh! and "The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it." - The Jerk

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