Donde Esta, flutiemcd?

Let's just say that life got a little crazy. And in my defense, I've had to endure life with the (surprisingly) heavy weight of needing to write a post sitting impatiently on my shoulders. That mixed with having to muster up and fork over $15K to The Man... well, it was simply a recipe for sticking my head in the ground. And that's exactly what I did. So you see? It hasn't been all peaches and cream these past couple of weeks... I haven't been shirking my bloggie duties for a life of fun and relaxation... forgiven?

 

What happens when one discovers that, suddenly, you owe the gov'ment A LOT of money? Well, first, you freak out. Then you scramble. Next, you take a breath. And finally, you find the arrow. (Look for the arrow on the FedEx logo. It's something that's always there, but we never notice, until we alter our perspective). 

 

What I hate most about discovering that we owed the government $15K: 

 

The mental picture of it: our $15K, composed of neatly bundled, perfectly stacked, crispy-new one hundred dollar bills, all leaving our hands and being placed into the hands of The Man, who then immediately placed the stiff bundles, one-by-one, in the form of 20 different monthly welfare checks, into the eagerly awaiting hands of some dude named Jeff Warren or Rob Jessop or Merril Lafferty... or whoever, of some ho-dump-po-dump town in Utah, to support his 1) 20 wives + her kids 2) lazy life 3) drug addiction 4) alcohol addiction 5) customized Toyota Tundra.

 

My mental picture is a result of having just finished a book that centered around Mormon fundamentalism. "If you got twenty wives at home but the government recognizes only one as your legal spouse, the other nineteen can receive assistance. The more wives and kids, the more welfare checks." Como say WHAT?

 

So I did the math.   

 

It was difficult to find definitive figures on welfare in Utah, so let's go by the numbers I found for Michigan: In 2005, a single mom with 2 kids could get anywhere from $459/month (24 records), $798/month (10 records), $812/month (10 records), to $1456/month (10 records). (The website that I got this information didn't give any further deets, so I don't know why they differ). That's an average of $772/month. Let's go with that.

 

    19 wives x $772/month = $14,668/month. That's, FIFTEEN GRAND A MONTH!

 

What man wouldn't want that?

 

Man:        "You mean all I hafta do is follow your rules: marry a whole bunch of women, sit on my couch, get drunk, or high and drive around a huge, custom-made Toyota Tundra, while the women do all the work?" 

Prophet:    "Basically" 

Man: "Well, I dunno... isn't some of that illegal?" 

Prophet:     "We're in the middle of the desert. It's hot as hell out here, dusty... yeah, it's a shit-hole, but that's the best part--no one will bother us because it's such a shit-hole! No paradise to pave here!"

[beat]

"Plus, I can throw in a promise of a coupla fifteen year-old wives every coupla years, if you prove yourself a deserving man..." 

 

I can't believe we just supported some loser in Utah and his 20 wives!

<--That's me. Judging.

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